"tug-of-war"

R: He's pulling and he's definitely got a hold on my life. I'm afraid ok? He's holding a part of me that I don't want to be anymore.

K: Then let go.

R: Kyle, It's easier said then done.

K: Rick, it's like a game of tug-of-war ...

"He's pulling, and you're pulling. You're trying way to hard to get a life back that you don't want anymore. Maybe if you just let go of the rope and let him keep pulling, he'll realize that there's nothing left to pull when he gets to the end of the rope. He'll let go of you then, but you gotta let go of it first."

God is definitely using people to speak into my life. Thanks God.

I've got a story ... [Part I of III]

A few months ago I wrote about my experience of coming to Christ at the end of Junior year and summer before Senior year. I also said that I'd eventually write about my Senior year of high school.

Well I lied. I'll say this though, senior year was amazing. God definitely rocked me that year. He especially rocked me at High School Camp. God, at camp, got me ready for that first year of college. Unfortunately he got me ready and all I did was ignore everything he called me to.

College
With that said, let's begin this crazy adventure called my first year of college ...

For those that don't know I go to the University of Portland. I'm a Biology major with minors in Chemistry and Communicatons. I lived in Villa Maria; all male dorm. My roommate was Matt Ortman; we'll leave it at that.

I got good grades. I had awesome friends. I played volleyball. I got plugged int my school early and with ease.

It's funny how on paper, or in this case - scree, it can look so good. That's where you're wrong, my friend.

In the midst of all of this "goodness" was a storm I had never felt so lost in. Until this year.

My grades ended up being so-so. I could have done so much better. Some of those good friends didn't even stand a chance against time. Volleyball was all I had going for me ...

You might be wondering where my faith life was in the midst of this. Guess what? I was wondering the same exact thing. It was honestly nowhere to be found through this turmoil. How I wish it was there.

--> Well, it was, I just ignored it completely. Talk about stupid.

God called me out during Christmas break. Talk about an eye-opener. Did I listen? Of course. I was in a desperate need of hearing his voice. I only wish that I could say that it stuck all of second semester. Alas, it didn't stick at all.

I became apathetic towards serving. I became apathetic towards being a Christian. I hid it really well though. I am thankful for Kellen and Charlie walking me through. I couldn't have done it without them.

To save you the reading and details, just ask me sometime what happened when I was in school. Some of that stuff just wasn't meant to go online...

note to self.

the next time i want to do something because i feel like being a rebel, remember that:

compromising your identity for your feelings and emotions is not worth it, not one bit.

love, rick.

Thanks ResLife.

[this is just a rant, a rant that is probably not necessary, but yeah ...]

Today, I was checking my University of Portland email and I see that I have one from ResLife (for you non-UP students, people in charge of housing on this campus). Anyways, the email was horribly worded and actually freaked me out a tad bit. I'll let you read the email and let you be the judge of how horribly written it was.

Dear Rick Andrew,

Due to an unusually large number of students returning to campus housing as well as a larger than expected number of first time freshman students, some consolidation reassignments have been made to accommodate as many students as possible.

Please find your advanced housing/roommate assignment attached to this message. The regular assignment mailing will also be sent July 15. If further reassignments are made, additional notifications will be sent July 25, August 5 & 15. If you receive multiple assignment e-mails, the latest dated notification will be your official assignment.

For those of you who received a reassignment, we thank you for your flexibility and help in providing housing to others. Please contact us if you have any questions or concerns.

To make matters worse, there was an attachment that would ultimately let me know if 1) Kyle Hamm was still my roommate and 2) whether or not I was still in Villa.

Luckily, I am still in Villa next year and my roommate is still Kyle Hamm. Why I wrote this blog? It's going to be hyperlinked somewhere else and because it seriously was almost the worst feeling that I've had all day. I mean I'm not usually too worried about my history exams, but those give me some uneasy feelings just because history isn't my thing.

That's it for the rant, haha.

incased you missed it.

i'm still here, but i'm also over here now too :)

a quick little update.

I've been really bad at updating my blog consistently. I could tell you guys "I'm busy" or "I'm barely at my computer" (haha)

Despite being busy, I don't have a real reason to update my blog. So with that ... let's go back a few weeks ago.
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I finished freshman year of college. I had a blast this past year. It was definitely a learning experiencing. Not just getting used to the whole "college life" but also making new friends and well ... having those friends be flippin amazing people! I'm glad of all the friends I made, and even some of the friends I lost. It's alright. Things happen, and some of the things that happened were for the best. If anything at all, second semester was WAY better than the first semester. Better classes, better grades, and WAY better friends. It was definitely tough, but it was worth the amount of crying and the amount of breakdowns, haha. By the way, I also had an opportunity to blog with a friend ... check it out. Some of you have already checked it out, but it's quite the blog!

After wards, I was home for two weeks in the good ol' Oak Harbor. It was different, but at the same time it was a lot of fun being around a place that I grew up. But the there was one thing I realized ... it wasn't my home anymore. It took coming home to Oak Harbor to realize that Oak Harbor isn't where I belong anymore. Portland is definitely where I belong. It's my home. I have some of the best friends here with me at school. The thing is ... I could honestly see myself wanting to hang out with them even after school. BUT back to Oak Harbor (haha), it was fun catching up with some people. I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, but hey I'll be back at the end of June. I think that's more than enough time to see people.

Now I'm here back in Portland taking summer classes. In my Bible class I'm learning quite a few interesting things. I'm enjoying every moment here in Portland. Wish more people were still here on campus. That's about it :)

Love you guys! Can't wait to come home, but while I'm here - I'm going to enjoy it! Check out my new blog

Let the games begin.

3 days of 5 finals.

Talk about a hell-ish week ahead of me.

Tarra & Caitlin.

This is the most important and last link of the whole clicking away :)

PS. I'm pretty sure that the link will be a good give away as to who I chose, but you'll have to search around to really find the answer :)

You'll really have to look for it. It's been hiding :P

Text me when you find out who!

An attitude like Christ. WHAT!?

I feel like sharing my devotions on Philippians 2, only because I've encountered this scripture three different times now in the same week. Also, it's just a really good piece of scripture that I thought would come in handy in our walk with God :)

Scripture: Phil 2:5-8
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!

Observation:
Jesus is someone that we should strive to be in our daily lives. You know, Christ like? Although it doesn't mean we'll be considered equal to God (we just can't), it doesn't mean that we can't live our lives like Jesus did, which is what God is calling us to do. He wants us to live just like Jesus did.

Christ was able to put himself before others, which to me is something hard to do, but he managed to do it anyways.

Application:
I live a Christ like life by doing as Jesus would. How much simpler could that be, right?

Surprisingly though, it isn't that simple. A lot of us say we live Christ like lives, but that's about it, we just say. Saying and doing are drastically different.

In the case of this scripture, God is calling us to put others before ourselves and humble ourselves before him.

It's hard. I don't want to put others before me. I sometimes want the easy way out in a life that seems to be so difficult at times. The funny thing is, God wants us to do the exact opposite of that.
--------------------------------
I love you guys. It's only a matter of days before I'm home!! Even though me being home will only be for a matter of days before I come back down here to Portland for classes.

Nonetheless, I can't wait to see you guys :)

Rick Baleros

Dear BIO 207,

For a semester now I've slaved my life away studying for your extremely hard exams. Working my butt off for you. It has been mutual between us these past few months. I study hard, you give me a decent grade. I come to class, I get a decent grade. I love all that you offer me. From genetics to a good time with my biology friends.

But tonight is the last straw. I'm not sure I can handle you anymore. This paper that I've been working on all day has caused me stress, mental breakdowns, slight anxiety attacks, comforting phone calls from friends and family. You have totally messed up my psyche.

I really don't appreciate it. Although I'm pretty sure you won't change over the next few years, I just wanted to say that I had a great time with you, but it's over now. I'm over you. Let's move on and go our separate ways. You'll have new students next semester and I'll be in my upper division courses.

Don't worry though, it wasn't anything against you.


Love,

Rick Baleros

New found artist.

I hope you enjoyed my previous blog. I do plan on writing about my senior year and where God took me.

BUT, that's not the point right now, what is the point is that you should totally give my friend Jessica's music a good listening too. Also, if you're looking for a good read, you should definitely check out her blog.

She's quite an amazing person. I can totally see God working through her and using her to spread his love.

GO JESSICA!!

Miss you Jess!! [You knew that already]


- Rick Baleros

And then I was finally home.

I'm pretty sure that it was around this upcoming week that the biggest change in my life happened.

About two years ago to this date, I gave my life to Christ.

What more is there to say? It was my Junior year and after two years of people "nagging" me to go to Youth Group at Living Word, I decided I would go. After all, I had questions to ask and this gut feeling that was telling me I had to be there. Little did I know that gut feeling was from God speaking into my heart ...

For those of you that don't know I was your typical rebellious teenager before my junior year. Heck I still am, but it's a little different now. I liked to party, and I liked to party hard. I was out of control and there was honestly nothing to stop me. No one was telling me no and I quite liked it that way. I had self-image issues. Thus, I had an eating disorder. I not only felt this constant need to be perfect in school or in sports, but in how I looked. I really thought no one loved me even though I had some of the greatest friends and a great family (it has taken me two years to realize that one). I guess you could say I was earthly in my being.

I remember how every time I needed "me time" I would drive out to West Beach and watch the sunset. West Beach became my place of pondering. It was the place where I had the best thought-processing. Over the course of junior & senior year I really learned a lot about myself at that place.

The thing is, I call myself Christian now, but then I said I believed and that was about it. My heart and mind were not in sync if you ask me. But I remember the events that led to my first Wednesday going to Youth Group ...
--------------------------------------------
I had been at West Beach just kind of thinking to myself where my life had gone and where I wanted it to go. Mind you I'm only 17 at the time, so there was only so much I could have thought about. A voice came into my head and was saying that I should listen to the people in my life in the following days. I didn't even know where this voice was coming from, for all I knew it was my conscious. At this point I remember getting into some stupid crap during spring break. Things were definitely not pretty in the Baleros house hold or at school. Some of the people in the following days were the same old voices I heard all the time, except for one. Marilu had asked me a question that I really dreaded because it had literally been the same question for two years now:

"What are you doing tonight? Because if you aren't doing anything, you should come to youth group!"

I wanted to say no because I just wasn't into that thing. Something was different that afternoon because I couldn't find it in myself to say no. I said, "Sure, I'll go tonight." Was this what I was supposed to be listening for, I asked myself?

I remember that night clear as day. Worship was amazing - Laura was leading and I remember the song "From the Inside Out." I sent myself a text with the lyrics so I could listen to it myself later that night.

"Consume me from the inside out"

I didn't know what that meant when I sang it that night, but those words have stuck with me since my first Wednesday night there.

I remember Angel speaking (of course) and I'm pretty sure it was on something really good and meaningful. He knew my name before I ever knew his. I remember he had asked me a question pertaining to what he was speaking on. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I was home. As the night ended we had an opportunity to be prayed for by the leaders. All the guys were taken and the only other person that I remotely knew was Jessica. When I say remotely knew, I mean I knew her name and that she sang in the choir at school. I lost it when I went up to her to be prayed for. I let the tears flow and that was the first time someone I didn't even know say I was worth something.

I was in so much shock from that night that I didn't come back for three weeks, ha. That one night seriously shocked my system and the thing is, that was only the start of it all. From where I'm at now, I can see God had stuff in mind.

I wanted to go back after three weeks. I felt a need to have more of what I got three weeks prior. I had no car at the time since it was down and out at the shop. I had to rely on someone from the youth group to get me there. Sean Welch. I knew him from the 6th grade because of oboe stuff, ha. I really didn't like him to tell you the truth and I knew he really didn't like me. But, I had to ask him for a ride that Wednesday night. He wasn't the same Sean Welch that I knew from freshman year. He was different, a good different. We became friends that night, only to become brothers later.

That night I came back we got into small groups and had group prayer. I remember asking Micah to pray that I would continue to grow and that God would show me what's real in life. To be honest with you, I didn't even know that I was capable of asking those things. I mean it had only been about 4 to 5 weeks since I had an encounter with the holy spirit. Micah later was honest with me and said that he slightly doubted me when I asked to be prayed for that, and I don't doubt him for doubting me.

That summer after Junior year was one where I was ROCKED to my very core. It was a summer of growth and learning even more who I was. It was a time I was able to forgive myself. It was also the very first time I encountered scripture. It was at something we call D&D. Of all the pieces of scripture I first read, I read:

Isaiah 55: 7
"Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong."

Amazing right? How awesome was God for feeding this scripture into me. I needed something like this because I needed to forgive myself for the things I was holding onto.

I was holding onto the guilt and the fears I had. With this little, but powerful, piece of scripture God was simply letting me know that I can change. That I don't have to be the Rick Baleros that I was so wrapped up into being. I learned from this scripture though that there aren't bad people, just bad actions. It's just a matter of how we handle things.

I was still in the process of feeding myself with scripture, but for the meantime God used other people to feed me scripture. While everyone was at Summer Camp, I was at Volleyball Camp. I remember getting a text message from Micah saying, "Hey, check out Hebrews 2:18."

I did. Micah had no idea what Hebrews 2:18 said, but it was all I needed to hear to close out the summer.

Hebrews 2:18
"Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested."

The greater being that I was now calling MY God knew exactly what I was trying to let go of. MY God empathized with what I was going through. MY God empathized what EVERYONE was going through.

Summer ended, but this life I started living didn't.

Love you guys :)

- Rick Baleros

PS. Sorry it was so long. If you're wondering, I do want to write about senior year and maybe even freshman year of college. Miss you all :)

Encounter with Christ.

I didn't go this semester, but I did go last semester on my school's retreat that is called "Encounter with Christ"

The retreatants from this semester came back today from their weekend treat. In the best way possible, they broke my heart. To see some of my friends come back from a weekend that I know changed my life and see that God had done something with them was the most awesome thing ever.

I love it when God works through people, especially when he makes it known that they were worked through. Those slight changes in their character - God worked through them. This genuine need to want to be a better person - God worked through them. This realism about the person - God worked through them.

I would love to talk more about EWC, but it's such an awesome retreat that the slightest information that slips out of my mouth may ruin it for those that will eventually go on it them self.

I'll leave you though with these two clips:

Fall 2009 Encounter with Christ Theme "By Your Side"


Spring 2010 Encounter with Christ Theme "Love is Here"


- Rick Baleros

Who's to judge?

"She looks like a skank"

"He looks like a douche"

"She has no morals"

Phrases that are so common today. I honestly don't think I can go a day without hearing someone say those words. Sometimes I catch myself saying those words about people behind there back. This is where I out myself to you guys, ha.

So in the beginning of the school year there were obviously a few people that right as I saw them these words came out of my mouth:

"She looks like a skank"

"I'll never be friends with him because he looks like a tool"

"He looks like he has no self-respect for himself"

Sound familiar? It wasn't until a week ago did I come across these three people. It wasn't until a week ago did I come across these three people in the same place.

Last Wednesday I was leading worship at my school's "Youth Group" called FISH.

Boy was I in for an awakening that night.

That girl who I said looked like a skank. She was on her knees alright, but she was on her knees worshiping to God. From where I was - it was genuine. She was being real.

That guy who I said would never become my friend. Probably one of the guys that I'm really close to here on campus. He's not a tool one bit.

The guy who doesn't have self-respect for himself. BOY WAS I WRONG. He just dresses different and I have yet to meet someone who is so comfortable in their own skin. If anything at all I have self-respect issues compared to this kid.

All I'm saying is, it's funny how God uses people to let us know otherwise.

Rick Baleros

James 4:12
"God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?"

Calling all Boys - I mean Men.

So, a few weeks ago, almost a month actually, I had finished reading Wild at Heart

It was such a good book, but I'm not here to tell you about it and that you should read it [If you are a guy READ IT. Heck if you are a girl read it too! I want to read Captivating].

What I do want to say is that someone today at school was talking about how men of God act too much like little boys. I was slightly offended by that because all though I fail so many times at this life I'm trying to live, I try nothing more than to be a man of God. It really got me thinking about what I had just finished and how John Eldredge is pretty much talking about how we [men of God] have to act like the men we have been called to be.

I've never challenged anybody before, but after that little cynical comment someone made I'm challenging all my guy friends to be the men we are called to be.

Let's take down the nice guy facade and replace it with a warrior ready to fight.
Let's stop being bored with this life we are called to live and start finding the adventures that God has put forth in our lives. Trust me there are many, and he's wanting us to find them.

Rick Baleros

Passage from Wild at Heart
"In the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue."

Home sweet home? Yes.

So, I went on my hall retreat with my Villians this weekend. I don't think there were any intentions for God to rock us like he does at retreats/conferences that I went to back in Oak Harbor. Not that we need retreats to have God rock us.

Anyways, I don't know about the other guys, but God did rock me this weekend. He didn't cause an earthquake in my heart, but he did shake me. He made something make sense.

For anything I'm going to say to make sense, we have to go back to two weeks ago...

I was kind of in a bind; I found myself not leaving any time to have one on one with God. I had gotten to a point where what used to identify me and where I found validation (volleyball, school, etc.) started to identify me once again. It was definitely like I was having identity problems. The greatest thing that could give me validation and give me some sort of identification, I wasn't giving the time of day to.

It started to make me feel homesick. Don't get me wrong, I miss my parents no doubt, but I started to miss them even more. It just didn't feel the same without them. Then I started missing the Youth Group back at Living Word. My brother's and sister's. My support system. My family.

The Youth Group back in Oak Harbor were the people I did life with my Senior year of High School ...

That's the thing though, God wanted to tell me something about you guys back at home this weekend:

"Rick, you're not in high school anymore, it's time to let it go. It's time to move on."

By no means was he telling me that my Youth Group couldn't be my family anymore, but that I was blinding myself from seeing the family that he put me into here at the University of Portland.


Psalms 68:6
"God places the lonely in families"

I'm not saying that I was lonely, but without the good ol' Youth Group at my side I was feeling lost. God knew what he was doing though when he placed me in a dorm that I didn't even apply for. He knew that he put me in the best dorm on campus :)


Villa Maria: All male & Catholic Frat house - words that are too shallow when it comes to describing the place I live.

Villa Maria: Brothers & Community - much better words to describe the place I call home and the place where my family comes from.

Again, God knew what he was doing. He put me with guys of different backgrounds and upbringings. He put me with guys that annoy me, anger me, laugh with me, laugh at me, but most of all, he put be with guys who challenge me.

Some of these guys have done nothing more than push me in my walk with god. I definitely don't like it, but they see that there's some growing up to do, and boy are they making sure I grow up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter how far we get from home, God is going to put us in a place that we can call home and find a family to do life with. I'm doing, living, and enjoying life with these guys.

Villa Maria - Home Sweet Home? Yes.

To everyone back at home: I miss you guys. I love you guys. MUAH :)

Rick Baleros

It's just one of those days.

It's Monday, and it's definitely one of those days where I wish I could hide from the world under my blanket and cry until tomorrow happened. But alas, I can't. I have to walk through this day - even if I don't want to ...

On a lighter note. I'm pretty sure I did really well on my Biology Exam that I had last Friday :)

I studied really hard for that exam.

The end.

Rick Baleros




James 1:2-6
"²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. ⁶But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." (NIV)

Let's be honest here.

College has been fun. College has been great. Friends here. Friends there.

My faith life has been fun. My faith life has been great. God here. God there.

I want to be honest with you guys: I failed last semester at my relationship with God. I was strong in the beginning, but I only did it to prove that I wasn't another statistic in how many people lose their faith in college. I was doing my devotions daily - that became wishy-washy. I prayed for those I loved and the things I wanted to see God do - then I forgot who I loved and wasn't sure if I wanted to see the things God had in store. I was becoming a statistic.

I went from being this strong and mighty warrior in the midst of battle to a wounded gazelle in the savannah.

It seriously got to the point where I didn't want to believe anymore. A point where I doubted and asked myself "What was I getting myself into?" or even "Why am I doing this? What do I get out of it?" I was losing all the faith I had.

I was pretty much choosing when I wanted to love God. He didn't want that. He wanted me to love him all the time. On his time, not mine.



Winter break rolled around and I just thought of it as a time to "catch-up" on all the lost days I had with God. He other had plans. Some kind of "Spiritual Cleansing" if you want to call it that. It was intense in that he showed me not who I was before I accepted him into my life, but who I was when he was in my life.

Something about that shook me while I was in this "valley". I was full of life and had finally started to find my validation in something that was more real than this earth. I wanted to be that again. He was using all sorts of things to remind me who I was. I started to realize that the person I was becoming was not only a statistic, but someone ugly as well. I wore masks to hide my true self. He started to use old journal entries from high school to remind me of the person I was. Those old journal entries showed me my hurt and the tears that they brought along with them. I always thought those tears were a bad thing, but when I looked at it then, those tears were healing and that I wouldn't have to cry over those things again. I really wanted to hurt at the moment.

For the first time in the four months I had left Oak Harbor, I hit the ground hard and started running. I saw the importance of the things I used to do daily. I'm still struggling this semester, but I feel so much stronger than I did last semester. I've got a good mentor to talk things through with. I've fixed or gotten rid of some relationships that just weren't needed.

Last year I was running with God. I decided to take a break from it because I was tired. I'm running again guys. I'm running hard. I may hit a wall, but right now nothing can stop me.

Hebrews 12:1
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." (NLT)

Rick Baleros

Let's start over.

Here starts the beginning of my new blog. It's been quite some time since I've truly used anything to blog. The last time I did any kind of blogging was back in the Xanga days of middle school. School is school. Life is life. Friends are friends. Things have just been as simple as that. Follow me as I record my life in words. The difficult times. The easy times. The fun days. The not-so fun days. Times where I want to cry. Times where I just feel so accomplished. Let's do life together :)

Rick Baleros