I'm pretty sure that it was around this upcoming week that the biggest change in my life happened.
About two years ago to this date, I gave my life to Christ.
What more is there to say? It was my Junior year and after two years of people "nagging" me to go to Youth Group at Living Word, I decided I would go. After all, I had questions to ask and this gut feeling that was telling me I had to be there. Little did I know that gut feeling was from God speaking into my heart ...
For those of you that don't know I was your typical rebellious teenager before my junior year. Heck I still am, but it's a little different now. I liked to party, and I liked to party hard. I was out of control and there was honestly nothing to stop me. No one was telling me no and I quite liked it that way. I had self-image issues. Thus, I had an eating disorder. I not only felt this constant need to be perfect in school or in sports, but in how I looked. I really thought no one loved me even though I had some of the greatest friends and a great family (it has taken me two years to realize that one). I guess you could say I was earthly in my being.
I remember how every time I needed "me time" I would drive out to West Beach and watch the sunset. West Beach became my place of pondering. It was the place where I had the best thought-processing. Over the course of junior & senior year I really learned a lot about myself at that place.
The thing is, I call myself Christian now, but then I said I believed and that was about it. My heart and mind were not in sync if you ask me. But I remember the events that led to my first Wednesday going to Youth Group ...
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I had been at West Beach just kind of thinking to myself where my life had gone and where I wanted it to go. Mind you I'm only 17 at the time, so there was only so much I could have thought about. A voice came into my head and was saying that I should listen to the people in my life in the following days. I didn't even know where this voice was coming from, for all I knew it was my conscious. At this point I remember getting into some stupid crap during spring break. Things were definitely not pretty in the Baleros house hold or at school. Some of the people in the following days were the same old voices I heard all the time, except for one. Marilu had asked me a question that I really dreaded because it had literally been the same question for two years now:
"What are you doing tonight? Because if you aren't doing anything, you should come to youth group!"
I wanted to say no because I just wasn't into that thing. Something was different that afternoon because I couldn't find it in myself to say no. I said, "Sure, I'll go tonight." Was this what I was supposed to be listening for, I asked myself?
I remember that night clear as day. Worship was amazing - Laura was leading and I remember the song "From the Inside Out." I sent myself a text with the lyrics so I could listen to it myself later that night.
"Consume me from the inside out"
I didn't know what that meant when I sang it that night, but those words have stuck with me since my first Wednesday night there.
I remember Angel speaking (of course) and I'm pretty sure it was on something really good and meaningful. He knew my name before I ever knew his. I remember he had asked me a question pertaining to what he was speaking on. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I was home. As the night ended we had an opportunity to be prayed for by the leaders. All the guys were taken and the only other person that I remotely knew was Jessica. When I say remotely knew, I mean I knew her name and that she sang in the choir at school. I lost it when I went up to her to be prayed for. I let the tears flow and that was the first time someone I didn't even know say I was worth something.
I was in so much shock from that night that I didn't come back for three weeks, ha. That one night seriously shocked my system and the thing is, that was only the start of it all. From where I'm at now, I can see God had stuff in mind.
I wanted to go back after three weeks. I felt a need to have more of what I got three weeks prior. I had no car at the time since it was down and out at the shop. I had to rely on someone from the youth group to get me there. Sean Welch. I knew him from the 6th grade because of oboe stuff, ha. I really didn't like him to tell you the truth and I knew he really didn't like me. But, I had to ask him for a ride that Wednesday night. He wasn't the same Sean Welch that I knew from freshman year. He was different, a good different. We became friends that night, only to become brothers later.
That night I came back we got into small groups and had group prayer. I remember asking Micah to pray that I would continue to grow and that God would show me what's real in life. To be honest with you, I didn't even know that I was capable of asking those things. I mean it had only been about 4 to 5 weeks since I had an encounter with the holy spirit. Micah later was honest with me and said that he slightly doubted me when I asked to be prayed for that, and I don't doubt him for doubting me.
That summer after Junior year was one where I was ROCKED to my very core. It was a summer of growth and learning even more who I was. It was a time I was able to forgive myself. It was also the very first time I encountered scripture. It was at something we call D&D. Of all the pieces of scripture I first read, I read:
Isaiah 55: 7
"Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong."
Amazing right? How awesome was God for feeding this scripture into me. I needed something like this because I needed to forgive myself for the things I was holding onto.
I was holding onto the guilt and the fears I had. With this little, but powerful, piece of scripture God was simply letting me know that I can change. That I don't have to be the Rick Baleros that I was so wrapped up into being. I learned from this scripture though that there aren't bad people, just bad actions. It's just a matter of how we handle things.
I was still in the process of feeding myself with scripture, but for the meantime God used other people to feed me scripture. While everyone was at Summer Camp, I was at Volleyball Camp. I remember getting a text message from Micah saying, "Hey, check out Hebrews 2:18."
I did. Micah had no idea what Hebrews 2:18 said, but it was all I needed to hear to close out the summer.
Hebrews 2:18
"Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested."
The greater being that I was now calling MY God knew exactly what I was trying to let go of. MY God empathized with what I was going through. MY God empathized what EVERYONE was going through.
Summer ended, but this life I started living didn't.
Love you guys :)
- Rick Baleros
PS. Sorry it was so long. If you're wondering, I do want to write about senior year and maybe even freshman year of college. Miss you all :)
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